"bill gates for god '06"

by janine rosenburg

i just got back from attending a seminar for microsoft's new .net platform and i'm reminded of the simpson's episode when there was a rush on the toy stores because "malibu stacy" got a new hat. being a good little nerd, i had done research on .net before this presentation, but honestly couldn't tell you what it did or why it's so special. after a four hour powerpoint slideshow i can at least tell you what it does. it's bill gate's ten year plan to take over the world.

see, there are three major computing platforms out there in the great cyber world: unix, mac, and pcs (aka windows or wintel). these three platforms don't play well together. inside the world of pcs, bill gates is the largest provider of software, but not the only one. there are many good servers and applications that don't answer to the windows cartel, and bill g. doesn't like anyone who doesn't fall under his jurisdiction. so he's created (and when i say "he's created", i mean a team of very smart developers have created) a universal umbrella from where windows can literally take over the cyber world. from this framework, windows can control every program, every computer, even every platform in one neat interface.

as a professional nerd who is paid to manage networks, pcs, and software, this is very appealing. no more switching between servers or applications means less time spent in the server room and more time spent surfing porn...but what if the people that sign my paychecks realize this? once i implement this strategy, a well-trained monkey could replace me, leaving me unemployed and incapable of satisfing my silicon fix.

but on a broader, global scope, microsoft is effectively stealing the functionality of every computer, server, and software package. it's piracy like only bill gates can orchestrate. he's proposing that we buy and implement this great .net framework that globally connects every company together in one, big happy wintel family. one of the reasons that people buy software that isn't microsoft is that microsoft didn't have a better option and the pain of switching software horses in midstream is crippling to even large corporations. but now, .net will handle all of a company's data no matter where it comes from, making it just one small step to switching to microsoft completely. the company was that was sued for having an internet browser monopoly is paving the road to a total electronic monopoly from celphones and palm pilots to every computer in every home.

but on a broader, global scope, microsoft is effectively stealing the functionality of every computer, server, and software package. it's piracy like only bill gates can orchestrate. he's proposing that we buy and implement this great .net framework that globally connects every company together in one, big happy wintel family. one of the reasons that people buy software that isn't microsoft is that microsoft didn't have a better option and the pain of switching software horses in midstream is crippling to even large corporations. but now, .net will handle all of a company's data no matter where it comes from, making it just one small step to switching to microsoft completely. the company was that was sued for having an internet browser monopoly is paving the road to a total electronic monopoly from celphones and palm pilots to every computer in every home.

by: envasion field coorespondent janine rosenburg, sr. gfm (senior go-fetch monkey) of magnets'r'us.
author's note: i wrote my preliminary article for this on a windows laptop but the files didn't transfer to my POS desktop, also windows. so i ended up finishing this story, editing the pictures, and ftp'ing it from a mac. go figure.