"i married an alien"

by lulla mae

stephen and i have been happily married for three years. i met steve in college and dated for a year and a half before he popped the question. we rent a nice little home in virginia with our cat. life has always been great with him but some things just haven't added up until recently, and that's when i realized that i married an alien.

i can tell by the incredulous look on your face that you don't believe me, so let me offer you some proof. one time, about six months ago, i went to an afternoon matinee movie downtown. i saw him standing in line for popcorn with another woman. now i know for sure that steve was at work and although i'm pretty sure he saw me, he didn't saw anything. when we both got home i asked him about it, and he laughed. "i've been in the office all day honey," was his answer, "a lot of people look alike, babe. maybe you just saw someone you thought looked like me." after you've known a man for as long and well as i've known steve, you don't simply mistake them for a stranger. so the man i saw at the movies had to be an exact genetic duplicate of my husband. i've heard that sometimes aliens use the same human suit for more than one alien because they think we all look alike.

also, he won't take me home to meet his family. every holiday we go home to my parents but his weren't even at the wedding. he claims that he doesn't get along with them, but that's a little suspicious that he's never introduced them to me in almost five years. i'm thinking that he doesn't really have a family, that his alien history doesn't go back that far. they work pretty hard to blend in, but if i saw him and his parents in the same room, there would be a better chance that one of them would slip up and reveal their true origins.

lately he has started working later and later. instead of coming home at 5:15 pm he'll come home at 6:00 or sometimes as late as 7:30. steve says he's working on a project at work, but when i call his office the phone rings and rings. i've started calling him during the day, too, but his secretary usually says he's out. steve claims i just happen to call when he's at lunch or at the gym, but i know that he's really reporting to his commanders.

there are other things, too. our sex life, which used to be so great, has gone downhill as if he wasn't even interested anymore. we'll go to company parties and he'll leave me alone for up to an hour and i can't find him anywhere. on the weekends he spends a lot of time at his buddy's houses. he says it's because he likes to watch tv on the big screen, but steve never liked watching football before. steve will say that he's going fishing but when he comes back at the end of the day, the gas gage is almost the exact same as when he left.

i confronted him with my suspicions. i told him outright that i thought he was an alien being sent to earth to learn more about humans and prepare for the imminent hostile invasion of the planet, and he didn't deny it. all he told me was "lulla, i don't want to talk about it." as everyone knows, the mere fact that he didn't say no was a confession of guilt. i kept asking him, telling him that i needed to hear the truth, but instead he began coming home smelling of perfume and making large withdrawals from our joint checking account. he's trying to make me think that he's having an affair so he can throw me off track, but i am not easily fooled. i can see what's going on here even if he won't admit it.

steve didn't come home last friday after work and no one in the office will tell me where he's gone. a suitcase and many of his clothes are missing from the closet and so is his music collection. i feel so guilty, by blowing his cover, his alien bosses must have recalled or reassigned him. they aren't letting him go home because i figured out the truth. i hope that he didn't get into too much trouble but i know that being forced to spend time away from me is excrutiating punishment enough. my friends all tell me that i should give up on him and move on with my life, but i know that one day, he will escape his boss's watchful eye and contact me. i know that my steve will be back for me one way or another.

i'm writing this as a warning to all of you out there. maybe your husband or wife, sister or brother, girlfriend or boyfriend is an alien, too. be very careful and never bring up the subject. you just might lose them forever. and if you see my steve, please tell him that i love and miss him and hope he can come home soon.