"How Albert Einstein Took Over"

by Luc

Let's face it, I can't understand most of what Albert Einstein has ever written or said. Now admit that neither can you. Einstein was a brilliant man, a genius even. Sure he was dyslexic and a vegetarian, but so am I so let's not hold that against him, shall we? I've been investigating old Al for years now hoping to dig up some nice juicy dirt, but other than an incident involving a watermelon and a co-ed dorm (you all know the story I mean, certainly!) there just doesn't seem to be anything to expose. Except of course the simple fact that Albert Einstein is at the root of a conspiracy with the United States government, the Dairy Raising Alliance of Wisconsin (DRAW), and an unnamed oil-producing cartel in the Middle East we'll call Mr. Exx to take over the world.

Spacetime :
In the universe of relativity, space and time were no longer separate entities but rather different aspects of a four-dimensional continuum called space-time. Although space and time as separate entities are relative, space-time is absolute. It's a little difficult to picture a four-dimensional continuum considering we live in a three-dimensional universe, but don't worry. You don't need to know what it looks like to know how it works. Just imagine an ordinary coordinate system with the three normal space coordinates (x-, y-, and z-) with an extra coordinate for time.

What that says in a nutshell is that we live in three dimensions (height + width + depth = space) and perceive only three dimensions, there is another dimension out there: a fourth dimension called time. Now Einstein was the first to call this Space-Time, thus copyrighting the fourth dimension. Every time a minute passes, you owe Mr. Einstein a royalty for living in his dimension. Luckily for us, we're just little fish in the pond to this evil genius, much like we are to the emperor of Seattle. However, the United States Government as we all know is the most skilled time waster on the planet, thus making them a very big fish indeed.

Old Al figured out exactly what the Government owed him: $452 billion and growing. Even after going into hock with the aforementioned oil cartel, Mr. Exx, Uncle Sam was not able to raise enough money to pay off Einstein and tried for years in closed courtrooms to fight his claim, but ultimately lost. The United States kept getting deeper and deeper in debt to Mr. Exx and Mr. Einstein when the dairy farmers (DRAW) stepped in and offered an undisclosed sum of cash in exchange for the FDA keeping quiet about the effects of methane from dairy cows on the deterioration of the Ozone Layer.

As we all know, the FDA couldn't keep their big mouths shut and blabbed to everyone within ear shot about the methane issue, and the DRAW withdrew their financial support. With the government in debt to Einstein and Mr. Exx up to their eyeballs and no relief in sight, an agreement was reached. The USA was blackmailed into handing the reins of the world's largest superpower over to Einstein. When Albert died on April 18, 1955, this power and the steadily increasing amount of debt the Government accumulates everyday was transferred to Einstein's estate and inherited accordingly by his family.

Henceforth, the real power in this country, rests not in the hands of the President or Congress, but in the hands of the Einstein family. The government is so deeply in debt to Mr. Exx that their hands are tied against raising gas and oil prices, leaving the oil cartel to sell gasoline for as much as $2.98 a gallon and no one can stop them. Remember that next time you have to refuel your car.

Next time you get your paycheck, look very closely. Do you ever wonder why that large percentage of your hard earned money goes to FICA instead of to your bank account? Because your paycheck is being siphoned to pay off this enormous debt For Increasing Costs to Albert. When Uncle Sam wastes time, we all pay for it, one way or another.

The moral of this story is to go out and write a brilliant theory. If you can't discover anything new, make something up. Then copy write it. Who knows, you may end up controlling the world!