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"the conspiracy behind battlebots"
by jean
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the peruvian government is cashing in on american ingenuity, again.
for two years now, battlebots has been one of the highest rated shows on comedy central. average joes like you and me build killer robots in their garages and basements in order to enter them in a fierce competition with other remote-controled monsters in this televised fight. but unlike boxing, the mayhem and destruction in this arena is real.
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the action is fast and the battles are hard. robot guts are flying, the crowds are cheering, and the ratings are soaring. but there is a sinister underbelly to this seemingly harmless robot-mangling fun. we've all heard the rumors about an underground betting ring and bookies strong-arming creators to throw certain key matches but what i've uncovered makes that look like child's play.
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these matches didn't begin in san francisco in 1994 like the press releases claim. they were not accidentally picked up by u.k. television broadcasters.
it was all a part of an elaborate scheme set carefully into motion by peru's version of the k.g.b., the p.v.i. (peruvian vital intelligence). peru is known for its beautiful countryside and incan ruins is also a volatile country that has been torn by multiple conflicts over the past several decades. as a result, the country has dedicated most of its efforts to improving the art of war.
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everyone knows that war is expensive, but more important than the price of machinery is the price paid in human lives, and peru has found a way to become more powerful with less loss of its well-trained soldiers. they are stepping into the future with automated warfare. yes, they are fighting their battles with highly-skilled robots. now there are only so many scientific advances a country can make when engaged in border disputes and civil wars all of the time, so the p.v.i. came up with an elaborate scheme to cash in on american ingenuity while improving their military forces. they created the game of battlebots, encouraging ordinary american citizens to dedicate their own time and resources to invent and perfect killer robots that are then tested in the ultimate challenge, the battlebot arena.
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and what a success their gamble has been! after matches, they approach the owners with an offer to buy the blueprints or robots if they like their construction. they make careful note of each performance in the arena. since they control the battlebots enterprise, they can talk to the players and videotape each round without rousing our suspicions.
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even as you read this, a huge factory in lima is constructing huge fighting machines that you might recognize from recent fights. these military bots are the wave of the future, and peru is well ahead in the race. is it really just a harmless game of innocent destruction anymore?
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