| |
"tourist season"
by jimmy joe bob sanders
 |
i moved to new york city from arkansas in 1980 because i wanted to get some higher education and i have to admit at first i was pretty overwhelmed with all of the sites. i took a trip to the statue of liberty, was awed by the view from the top of the empire state building, and spent my weekends getting lost in central park. i mean, new york city is a pretty awesome place to a good old boy like me. |
but then after living there for two decades i'm really quite underwhelmed with it all. i'm tired of the ceaseless honking and crowded subways and go around times square at all cost. i no longer
give a damn about the world trade center, grand central station, or the rusting green lady in the harbor. basically i'm fed up with all these once-glamorous sites. "why?" you ask me? i'll tell you. well for one, since the mayor cracked down on the nudie bars there's nothing fun left in midtown. but the other big reason i have is the damn tourists.
| from memorial day to labor day (and of course the big winter holidays) the city is swarmed with strangers with maps, cameras, and "how to speak english in five days" books in their hands. most people call this "tourist season." i call it hell. these people think that new yorkers are born rude and would rather spit on you than say hello so they bring an even worse attitude. the people that push and shove and holler and crowd the streets beyond capacity aren't new yorkers, they are tourists! when i can't get a seat on |
|
the bus and no cabs are stopping it's because some idiot decided to bring his thirteen young children to see the delights of the big apple. big apple my ass. we don't even have grass, much less apple trees!
once upon a time, new york was covered in a thick layer of grease of crime, prostitution, and corruption. people were scared of the big city and that is how it should be! they stayed away and if they did venture out of their fifth avenue hotels they at least left the wives and children at home where they belong. but then the stinkin' police commissioner decided to "clean the place up" and lo and behold as homeless people disappeared they were replaced by a even bigger menace, tourists!
 |
i propose that we take the streets back. every resident of this fair city should be issued a high-power rifle and be able to collect a five dollar ransom for each decapitated tourist head they bring into city hall. they'll run screaming in fear or leave in body bags, either way makes no difference to me. after all, why do they call it tourist season if we can't shoot them? |
|
