"how to be a serial killer"

by karl marks

ever wonder what really goes on in a successful serial killer's head? well, we have the "inside scoop" if you will pardon the pun. one daring envasion reporter visited 25 different serial killers incarcerated in prisons and took notes on what they would change if they had a second chance to do things right. here, we present for you, the ten most important rules of being a successful serial killer. we at envasion are by no means advocating serial or any other breakfast food killing or violence of any sort. our goal is present our research in hopes that it might spark an intellectual debate between you and your non-serial killing friends. please, if you are going to commit mass murder, take the time to blame it on something more ridiculous and unbelievable than a website or a rockstar, like your mother. then again, if you really want to so something special, why don't you take up knitting instead of serial killing? it's a much less messy hobby and you can save a bundle on christmas gifts.

	Place limits
Most serial killers get sloppy. The more people they slaughter the easier they are to catch because they are bound to leave more clues. Set a reasonable limit and stick to it. 5? 20? Meet your quota and then move on with your life.
	Don't kill anyone you know
As much as you might be tempted to kill your mother or ex-wife you have to make sure that you have absolutely no connection to the deceased. The key here is you don't want to get caught.
	Research, Research, Research
Know your victim. Make sure that they aren't related to a government official or law enforcement officer and they don't have martial arts training or a military background. Prey on the weak like Darwin suggests!
	Quality, not quantity
Face it, style counts. Who cares that Jeffery Daumer didn't kill many people? Everyone remembers that he ate them afterwards, not how many he body-bagged.
	Be a nice guy
Noone suspects the polite guy next door that takes care of his elderly neighbors and volunteers at the civic center. If you really want to give the tabloids fodder, join the clergy before you start your spree.
	Avoid the limelight
As tempting as it may be to grab your fifteen minutes of fame, don't trade celebrity for jail time. Stay low-profile and don't leave a signature that can convict you later. Getting your name in the paper isn't as cool when it's a mug shot.
	Save your money
If you do get caught, you'll want to be able to afford a good lawyer that knows the meaning of "circumstantial evidence." Remember rule #5 because no jury wants to convict a priest!
	Deny, Deny, Deny
If you do get caught, no matter what, do not confess! Keep insisting that you're innocent and they have the wrong man. This is even more convincing if you're wearing the afore mentioned priest robe.
	Get rid of evidence
Sure there is sentimental value to the trophy collection of ears that you keep in your basement but in the end that is what will lead the police to your doorstep. Destroy the weapons and the bodies. Don't keep anything connected to the crime, not even newspaper clippings. Throw out your instant camera now to reduce the temptation later.
	Don't get caught
The key to not having to ever serve jail time is to not get caught. Being arrested is never any fun even if they do strip-search you. Even with the free room, board, and cable, prison isn't very fun.