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"santa claus is an alien"
by lulla mae
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can you really believe that near the inhospitable north pole lives a jolly fat man and dozens of industrial little elves who slave away in toy shops with no regard for labor laws? how on earth does one man, no matter how red his coat, visit every house in the world in one evening? because there's more than one. in fact, there is a whole fleet of aliens that dress up and can go anywhere they want during the xmas season-santas and elves alike-and never be conspicuous. |
they are free to visit earth and observe humans in their natural habitat: malls and mega shopping centers. they are invited into hospitals, nursing homes, and orphanages. while we prepare for the holidays, they are busy collecting data. they make a list and check it twice and all the while we smile and put money in their salvation army buckets to fund their takeover.
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once a year the "santas" fly around in a "reindeer driven" ufo with a blinking red light to lead the way to visit all the earth children, sneak into their home, and leave presents-but what they are really doing is spying and collecting dna samples in order to produce the mutant breed of alien-human hybrids we call "elves". so what if someone sees the "santas"? who is going to believe that someone actually saw st. nick?
almost every culture on the planet celebrates some version of yule from the earliest pagans to the modern day christians. through the years the holiday has been interpreted by different groups as a religious, commercial, or just plain fun holiday because the aliens have worked hard to preserve the tradition that disguises their sinister deeds. have you ever once found a gift from the tree marked "from santa" that wasn't from someone you know? and yet most people continue to leave cookies and milk out of christmas eve, actually welcoming these vile visitors into their homes!
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ufo sightings are always more common on xmas eve because it is the perfect cover story! it also explains why no one has ever been able to find santa's workshop, a santa's mythical home that doesn't exist in any satellite photographs. the aliens land periodically at the north pole in the dead of winter where no one is around to see them (thus explaining the mysterious northern lights), collect their data, and leave the planet in another spectacular display of an aurora borealis.
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what can you do about it? sadly, not much. if the truth were revealed this alien race will certainly resort to violence in order to force us to remain complacent. however, you can do your part to make sure that you don't perpetuate the myth any farther. don't let your children believe in santa claus and his evil minions and his cover will be irreparably weakened. if our society ceases to worship the jolly fat man every winter solstice then they will no longer have power over us.
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i strongly urge you to never let your children sit on jolly old saint nicolas' lap, and always leave a fire burning in the hearth so no aliens can sneak down your chimney next alienmas.
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