"What kind of plant is that?!"

by H. Bob Long

Now, I know what you are thinking ~ This is some kind of joke, right? Well, maybe, but if so, it was perpetuated on my friends & I driving back from a really great show that we played in Austin. (nice city, from what I saw, but not too different from, say, Dallas.) My best friend, Russ, his love, Mary, and I were on our way home to DFW all packed in the tiny cab of my sweet and forgiving little Ford Ranger after a totally screwed up but exhilarating evening still wearing the funky get-ups we always wear at shows and hungry as hell, but unwilling to stop at a non-smoking establishment (and toting only a card to provide nourishment so fast food was out) when we spied a Denny's.

Russ is certain he is quite literally "sweating is balls off" to which I replied that, judging from the size of his ego, he could lose a few pounds in at least that location, my foul temper having been due to the cheap black hose imbedding themselves into my skin, the knee-hi skin-tight platform boots or even the fact that I have been working my tail off for close to 22 hours straight and as charming as their company always is, I hate being cramped in small spaces with more than one person. Whatever, Salvation was at hand. Except for one fact.

We had stumbled into the Twilight Zone. How could we have known that the Barbie-sized Denny's we had unearthed was not only the smallest but also the only voluntarily non-smoking Denny's we had ever heard of? We bailed. I was not too sure of the looks we were getting anyway, what with all the glitter, ruined makeup, and black clothes. Have you ever seen "Deliverance"? Let me tell you, I could hear the banjos . . .

As we were trying to remember how to get back on the highway and why we were afraid on the $24 a night hotel that looked like even the roaches moved out for better lodging, we spotted Jim's. Now ANY eatery that has, as a logo, a stoned-looking freakish little cowboy HAS to have a smoking section! They did and so we blessed them, and blissfully ordered the freakiest "dinner", explained that Russ was pregnant, but we were unsure of the mother and asked for extra jalapenos & pickles. Our waitress smiled as if this was normal at 2:30 in the morning and shuffled off. We ate, played Rummy and smoked for about 30 minutes when we decided to leave. Paid up and satisfied we dragged our to-go cups and each other back out to the truck to contort ourselves back into our places and hit the road. Aaahhh! Almost the perfect moment for Willie Nelson!

We got back on the road and scanned all the local stations to find something worthwhile and Mary dozed. There really wasn't much to see for miles and we are driving along singing with the radio when Russ suddenly pops out with, "Hey! What kind of plant is that?!" All I see is the little shrubbery bouncing along in the median and somehow keeping up with us and I started laughing. I laughed so hard I woke up Mary who is trying to ask Russ what is so funny and Russ is confused as hell as to why I am laughing so hard I can almost not see the road I am flying down at 80 mph. I had finally understood ~ there are no aliens! No MIBs. No government conspiracies. (Because face it ~ even I can balance a checkbook and know better than to loan out money I don't have. Our government is screwed, but that is another day, another story!) It's the trees! And let's not leave out the shrubs and the real masterminds ~ the ROCKS!

Think really hard on this and please accept my evidence. To start, let me discuss the prolific nature of plants. They were here before any animals crawled out of any slime. You can find them almost everywhere, including at the bottom of the deepest parts of the ocean along the volcanic rifts. And the few places you cannot find plants the rock are there. Rocks are even found on the moon and on other bodies that cannot support any life forms we are aware of. Rocks and plants are everywhere and we pass by them with out even seeing them anymore. Humans have eaten both plants and rocks (I remember those days . . . mmmm . . . mud pies! "Hey Mom! Hungry?"). Some plants take offence at this and can kill us, others are so seemingly docile that they let us consume them. Rocks can be broken down, painted, cemented, or shaped to wear as jewelry. In this they are everywhere! That pet rock craze . . . THEY HAVE PLACED SPIES IN YOUR HOME! A quick thought on plants ~ is anyone here familiar with the kudzu vine? Enough said.

I guess you are wondering why they have not really started gathering forces before now to rise up and strike us down. I am thinking that they have ~ we just didn't know it. If you look at the bible in the historical sense, you will find these ancient peoples literally stoned others to death! They were under the impression that it was God's will but maybe the rocks whispered the mode of death into their ears. Were any of these early victims builders by chance? Who knows, that part was left out . . . makes you think, right? Just a few years ago, the rocks tried to kill a good friend of mine, but thankfully Brother D. is fine and currently on vacation in Puerto Rico. Some other recent suspicious behavior was spotted at a rave where a man was apparently "lost in a Forrest of Tree" when the weeping willow he wandered into captured him and left him to wander about seeking escape for 3 hours! Later some fellow ravers went out on a Search & Rescue mission and saved him from certain starvation and dehydration at the "branches" of the sinister willow tree. Make special notice of the incidents that happen to you or someone you know everyday. Small things you might have disregarded before now like.

* The trees that, no matter how often they are trimmed will pick the antenna ornamentation off your antenna. Have you ever been able to find the ornament? I have seen the tree take mine and never found it again ~ in broad daylight!

* When you are driving down the road, alone, and a rock comes out of no where and hits your car? I have seen them hit windshields, and flatten tires both.

* When you are driving home late at night and the tree that you never saw there before suddenly jumps out in front of you to block the stop sign they must have just put up today, Officer . . .

* When you are just walking along your favorite street, just thinking, and suddenly a root pops up just a little bit higher at the same time a branch lowers and so you not only get slapped in the face, but then you trip and fall on your knees right in front of that really hot girl you were actually thinking about because yesterday she smiled at you . . . See, ultimate global, nay, UNIVERSAL domination through subtle humiliations inflicted on an already emotionally damaged society, thus causing us to seemingly self-destruct. This way they do not have to take responsibility for their actions and can continue, unhindered, to pull the strings and re-claim their former peaceful existence that has now finally been threatened beyond ever their tolerance!

Heed my warnings and be wary of the devious plants and rocks that surround you! Find good homes (other than your own or someone you love's) for all those house plants that have wormed their way into your home. Look around your house and make certain you have no rocks indoors and that you can block their view into your home. Cut the shrubs away from the house so they do not press against your windows and listen to you. The new little fountains with the rocks in them . . . yet another ploy! Take back your life! Soon we will eradicate all the plants and rocks from this planet and the human race will stand proudly and will survive! We are the smartest, strongest, most enduring life form and we will win if we have to blow this planet out of the sky!