"You do the Hokey-Pokey & you turn yourself around . . . "

by H. Bob Long

A few years ago, I was part of a cult. I freely admit my involvement. As for the other members, the records have been lost . . . a fire . . . yeah, I think that was it! A fire! Umm, a fire destroyed the records, so I can only divulge a few names. It all started one day at lunch after we discovered that the administrative staff at our school was in on the conspiracy to abolish playing cards (yes, that is marked for further investigation).

A few of us were tweaked out on caffeine, singing all the children's songs we could remember when we made a startling discovery! The seemingly "innocent" songs we were taught from the cradle by our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers and TV were so inherently vulgar and unfit for such young ears let along young minds! It was initially "The Farmer in the Dell" that really captured our attention. You may remember it as the song where " . . . the farmer takes the wife . . . the wife takes the child . . . the child takes the nurse . . . the nurse takes the dog . . . the dog takes the cat . . . the cat takes the rat . . . the rat takes the cheese . . . the cheese stands alone".

Now upon this disturbing discovery, we started to examine some of the other songs we had learned as children and just as quickly as we came up with titles and lyrics we came up with more and more candidates for banishment. Later, after the Hokey Pokey Religious Sect (H.P.R.S.) was formed, we started really delving into children's culture and we were appalled at the sheer volume of books and stories that were also teaching these abnormal sexual and lifestyle values to the small children that will one day run this country and rule this world.

How often did William Jefferson Clinton sit in the corner of his room and read the success stories of "Georgie Porgie"? What kind of man did "my son, John" become if he went to bed with his stockings on? Why was he wearing stockings to begin with? And I don't want a man in my bed with his shoes on! In what circumstances should we see three men in a tub together? What kind of mother puts her son in the corner if he is not being punished? And if he is being punished why does he get a pudding pie? What does that teach our children? Total lack of responsibility! They get rewarded for bad behavior! These instances are but a few of the examples we found.

Once I took on the amazing responsibility of investigating this horrific story, I nonchalantly asked around to a few people, "Have you ever noticed anything that disturbed you about children's entertainment?" You would be amazed how far this has gone in the intervening years! I have some solid evidence that it has spread to cartoons, books, TV, movies, toys and even games!

I have agreed to give this particular project my full attention so I will be busy for the next few days as I just quit my job to pack up my house and move to Hollywood so as to be closer to the conspirators . . . I will be sending homing pigeons to Livvie with my weekly discoveries though the first few installations have already been outlined by my investigations so far. I am thinking some of the main categories will have to be split up so as to give you all the information on, say, the "Millicent" doll (you know who she really is!). I would love to explain more but the toy makers are looking for me right now and I may have to go underground for a while as I am currently working on exposing the nasty truth about their queen. Please stay tuned for more information! Oh! There is the door upstairs! They are coming to get me! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!!!! I must escape . . .