"millicant's secret drug ring exposed"

by h. bob long

ppssttttt! Hey, you! No! Don't LOOK! Just slide over here slowly! Listen to what i have to tell you but pretend to be doing something else, ok? You can't be too careful out here! They are ON TO ME, MAN!

Here's how it went down: I was off to the magical world of Hollywood, California to do some research on children's entertainment, right? Do you REMEMBER that? Well, i was also on a mission to find out more on that bitch, Milli, but i had to make her think i was "done" and had exposed the whole truth to throw her off. Now, i have some contacts in various places in and out of the USA keeping watch on things for me and they are steadfastly reporting all they know in any forum possible like Agent "Marn", the Canadian, eh.

When i ran off to the Hollow-weird underground i started having some "problems" and casting about for suppliers in the area. my acting finally paid off when i was taken to a Malibu storefront one shady afternoon and led into the back room. A seemingly effeminate man by the name of Nek sold me some primo shit and told me how to contact his associate if i needed to set up any more "meetings". i acted uninterested in him and ran out to properly dispose of the contraband substances. When i awoke, three weeks later, i was unsure of what had happened to me and i suspected foul play, but i contacted Nek's "man" for another meeting anyway and this time i took some REAL money. i let him know i was interested in the business end and knew some people that may become some fairly regular customers if he would let me in and let me work it out a bit. He told me to go to this swank hotel on the beach later that week for a dinner party and he would let me know.

Let me tell you, it was a gala affair with all these perfect, beautiful, quite similar women dressed in costumes from movies. They were a spectacle to behold! So, since Nek was nowhere to be seen all night, i was about to leave when a coat poke to me, "So, you like the parade?" it asked me in a low voice. "if you've seen one set, you've seen them all, but Bob Mackie did a fabulous job on that one woman dressed like Fire . . . i just wonder about the wisdom of the turban." i responded. all of a sudden the coat pulled me through a small hidden door in the wall and into a dark hallway.

We walked along in silence for a moments and up some stairs, around corners and finally through another small, unmarked door. There was Nek with a woman who was dressed in a simple, old fashioned black form fitting evening gown that looked like it was left over from the 1930's high society balls. I was not so shocked when she turned around, i would recognized that painted face anywhere, it was Milli! Nek introduced us and i was relieved that she didn't recognize me from my by-line picture, but since that old thing look nothing like me i wasn't a bit worried.

We engaged in some light banter about how she had fixed a local political matter in Palm Beach not long ago while she was visiting her old bed-buddy, Walt at his castle, but it didn't take her long to really get to business. "I hear you want to do some work for me in sales . . . something about some potential clients you know of? Tell me about this." I was certain i was done for if i gave out names, so i stalled, "Well, i just know a few people who are always game for some 'recreation' and though i know they currently have a 'friend' to provide the tickets, i have to say, the tickets Nek, here, booked for me were FIRST CLASS, and i know they are flying business . . . i think they'll be open to trying out your line. Provided the prices are fair. And they were screwed last year during the strike, so i have reason to believe they would rather deal with an agent they know and trust." i twirled the champagne glass and took a slow sip as i watched the pageantry displayed below me in a huge two-way mirror in the floor.

Milli thought on this for a dance or two while having a few low conversations with Nek and finally she looked at me and said, come to the Pink Daisy moored at the Malibu Marina tomorrow afternoon around 4:18 and Nek will have an answer for you."

I don't remember how i got home, but i woke up at 3pm and had to rush to get to the Pink Daisy in time. Nek introduced me to the skipper of the ship who looked suspiciously like a younger version of Milli, but she was in Nek's shirt and some hot pants and i didn't want to ask. He told me that Milli had liked my style and was going to let me have one pound of the merchandise for free as a "starting bonus". Anything i sold i would thereby report to the skipper and all orders are to be processed through Nek.

In the ensuing month and a half i have traveled around the world several times. I have been incommunicado so as to prevent my cover from being blown. I have been keeping company with some hot little red-head and i don't understand what is wrong with her. She is always setting up all there romantic moments and wants to discuss the future and wedding gowns, but the bitch won't even blow me. It's like she's never heard of sex! I have also seen her jump into the ocean and never once have there been headlights ~ i am beginning to wonder if she even has nipples!

I have been at a few parties where Milli has actually appeared in public and i tell you, the women in her family just don't age! They all look so alike, too, that it's hard to tell who is who. This whole town is overrun with them, too . . . they are everywhere! Your dentist, doctor, vet, teacher . . . they are all probably related back to Milli.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and my nose bleeds a lot. I may be talking in my sleep, too. I think my cover could be blown and there is nowhere to hide, man! She will FIND ME! She has spies EVERYWHERE! I suspect my phone is tapped and she has requested a meeting tomorrow at a plastics plant. I don't know exactly what i will do, but if my plan fails . . . you may never see me again. Just take heed and notify the FBI if I'm not back by this time next week!